To Go Pro, Or Not To Go Pro

“It’s not about how long you work. It’s about how bad you want it.” My coach’s voice echoed in the arena as I sat still on Coco. The arena was small, wood lining the first meter of the walls, with mirrors mounted above the wood. “You can work for years, Abby, but if you don’t want it, you’ll never go pro.” His voice stung. I felt my face heat as I leaned over and gave Coco a small pat. 

“I’m sorry.” My voice trembled as I tried to apologize. 

“I don’t want an apology Abby. I want to know what you want. Do you want to go pro, or do you want to do this recreationally? I know these past few months have been hard for you, and if your goals changed that’s okay. But I need to know, is going pro something you still want to do?” He asked the question with a softer voice. He wasn’t wrong. These past few months have been hell. Everyone I loved had either left me or died. This was the last thing I had. 

“It was my father’s dream for me to go pro.” I said just barely loud enough for him to hear me. “I don’t know what I want anymore.” My voice trembled as I felt my eyes swell up with unshed tears. “He would want me to go pro.” I gathered myself. “And if I can make a legacy for nothing but him, I would.” I nodded, mostly trying to encourage myself. 

“Okay. See that’s good. I’ll take in the important factors and we’ll get you to go pro.” His voice was softer this time. “Do you need a few minutes to collect yourself?” He asked. I felt my face burn and my throat close as my unshed tears begged to be released. 

“No.” I shook my head, my voice wavering with unsaid feelings. He nodded, taking a moment to think.

“Why don’t you grab some water, then we’ll work.” He advised, walking over. He held onto Coco’s reins as she nickered and I dismounted.

When I got back, coach Tim and Coco were standing in silence, not one of them dared to move, almost as if, if they moved I would break. 

The work was hard, but it was honest. Coco is an honest horse. She never throws me intentionally, only by accident.

Coco had good momentum as we approached the jump. 1.2 meters tall. If we could jump it, then it would be a new pr for us. 

Three strides left to take off. I collected her, keeping her calm underneath me.

Two strides to take off. My anxiety came in like a freight train, the cargo being all the what if’s.

One stride till take off. Coco pulled her head forward.

Going over the jump felt surreal. Hundreds of thoughts whipped across my mind as I stood, matching my movements to Coco’s. A single tear ran down my cheek as we reached the apex. Dad would be proud. 

We landed the jump well, even Tim was impressed. 

“That was one of your best jumps.” He smiled as I cantered Coco around the arena, not hesitating to give her some very much deserved pats. Her head turned back as I smiled, wiping the single tear off my face.

I want to go pro. I will go pro.